MDI 79: Disposable keypad

Most adults understand that disease bearing microorganisms come out of their own butt. Those who didn't know this, do now. It is failure to wash after wiping that puts a little piece of us on everything we touch. Lightswitches, door handles and telephones are all likely places to form a teeming metropolis of microbes like dangerous E. coli, and every tiny, turd-shaped coli yearns to return to the bowel from which it was born. Now imagine your keypad. Or don't. Just look at it--and know that inside those dark ruts and cracks lurks you--the very worst of you you have to offer. Is it riddable, this stuff? Yes, says the Chicago Sun-Times. Put your keypad in the dishwasher as the lowest heat, delicate cycle, and let it air dry for a few days. A few days. Sun-Times must be low on news. Maybe they had backups. It's not important. They reported it works. But I say it couldn't have worked, because they didn't use the bleach--if they'd a used the bleach, then it would have worked, but it would have ruined the keypad, which was filthy anyway and should have been thrown out a long time ago anyway--along with every last disease infested sponge in the city, which is basically every sponge that's ever been used once. Can an industry be born of pure paranoia? Sure! It's time to think disposable keypads-- KleenPadz! Flat, easy to keep clean, it's a fullsized touchpad, ridged in the right places for easy navigation and sure footing; of course it's wireless, and cheap, and built to last no more than two weeks, at which point it's upgraded which kills any older versions, but! you'll say: "Look Ma! No more E. coli!" KleenPadz! Why wipe ever again?


Originally published in CW Fisher's Paragraphica