MDI 89. Self Dentistry

The idea of do-it-yourself dentistry is ghastly. Any sensible person knows it's a bad idea to drill your own teeth. It's an idea that ought to outrage the American Dental Association. Legislation ought to be passed to ban its practice, especially as a means of staving off tooth boutiques staffed by unlicensed stylists. If this idea were to catch on and cause a lot of trouble, it would make me very happy.

In America, a person without dental insurance is a person with very bad teeth which are quickly getting worse. This is because dentists are greedy bastards who've swung deals with each other and the insurance lobbies. In effect, they divvied up all the insured mouths of America, sent the deadbeats to collection agencies, built swanky new digs, hired an all-babe cast, and now they're raking it in.

Meanwhile that poor family without insurance has three toothaches and seven obvious cavities between them. But there's a blot on their record. The didn't pay their last bill in full. It went to a third party collection agency that harrassed the poor family day and night until they struck a payment deal. How can they even think of going to a dentist?

The only way is to change the game. Let those who own a market learn the meaning of competition. Do something better and cheaper.

We should be able to get the whole kit at Walgreen's for $19.95. Or watch the demonstrations on TV and have your credit card ready. Learn how to scrape tartar, measure pockets, deep clean, locate cavities, drill and fill, inject pain medications and use laughing gas. All this for just $19.95.

And if you act now, we'll throw in "the elevator," for gently removing any tooth! Free!

I almost added an idea about government subsidies for dental health, but then I realized, no, this is America! Can't be done. Not in the land of the free and home of the brave. Here, if you can't afford it, you got to do it yourself. And if it's against the law, you either got to break the law, change the law or bite the lawyers with your nice, healthy chops.